Monday, January 11, 2010


I am such a coward. I feel like a failure. Yet I have amazing friends who insist on pulling me through this muck and mire. Some days I wish they would grant me my wish and let me wallow, but most do the opposite. Last week, as I was in a particularly wallow-y mood, I received a message from a friend who was checking in on me "just because." First of all, we don't have that kind of relationship. We are not closer than a sister. We know each other, mutually, through church. I adore her and wish our lives granted us reprieve to spend more time together, but instead we nurture our relationship in the hallways of the Sunday school wing and that icon-we-don't-know-what-we-ever-did-without: FACEBOOK. These little moments push me through.

We (meaning, mi familia) are going through a particularly tough time right now. Each of us has hold of a certain dream, but instead of living it we have watched from the sidelines as others around us realize the dream first. Another couple just opened a restaurant similar to one we have been working feverishly for almost 4 months to open. Someone else is writing a book and probably has a better chance at getting published than I do -- although my 2 year old daughter has that same chance at the rate I'm going!

All that to say, the fight hasn't left me yet.

"But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat."

Nehemiah, as he was rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem, came against strong opposition from his neighbors. Instead of giving up, Nehemiah armed the builders with swords, spears, shields, bows and armor (4:16). They would build the wall with one hand while holding a sword in the other.

I am writing tonight because my husband has given me time to be alone with my thoughts and words while he spends time with our kids. Each is a gift unto itself. I appreciate his willingness to take on these two critters at the end of the day. I appreciate the chance to try to put my thoughts to words, my words to paper.

I have a cup of coffee in me now and a book to finish. I know how it needs to end, but do I have the courage to do it? And then, when it's done, what next? Do I have the courage to take the next step?