Coward

I am such a coward. I feel like a failure. Yet I have amazing friends who insist on pulling me through this muck and mire. Some days I wish they would grant me my wish and let me wallow, but most do the opposite. Last week, as I was in a particularly wallow-y mood, I received a message from a friend who was checking in on me "just because." First of all, we don't have that kind of relationship. We are not closer than a sister. We know each other, mutually, through church. I adore her and wish our lives granted us reprieve to spend more time together, but instead we nurture our relationship in the hallways of the Sunday school wing and that icon-we-don't-know-what-we-ever-did-without: FACEBOOK. These little moments push me through.

We (meaning, mi familia) are going through a particularly tough time right now. Each of us has hold of a certain dream, but instead of living it we have watched from the sidelines as others around us realize the dream first. Another couple just opened a restaurant similar to one we have been working feverishly for almost 4 months to open. Someone else is writing a book and probably has a better chance at getting published than I do -- although my 2 year old daughter has that same chance at the rate I'm going!

All that to say, the fight hasn't left me yet.

"But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat."

Nehemiah, as he was rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem, came against strong opposition from his neighbors. Instead of giving up, Nehemiah armed the builders with swords, spears, shields, bows and armor (4:16). They would build the wall with one hand while holding a sword in the other.

I am writing tonight because my husband has given me time to be alone with my thoughts and words while he spends time with our kids. Each is a gift unto itself. I appreciate his willingness to take on these two critters at the end of the day. I appreciate the chance to try to put my thoughts to words, my words to paper.

I have a cup of coffee in me now and a book to finish. I know how it needs to end, but do I have the courage to do it? And then, when it's done, what next? Do I have the courage to take the next step?

Courage

"Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take."Joshua 1:9 (The Message)

Last week a very dear friend of mine was given some devastating news. Her life is forever changed. The one thing she keeps telling me is this: God has a purpose in this. I don't know what it is, but I trust in Him. As I watch her adjusting her emotional and mental attitudes daily, I am in awe at her strength and perseverance during this time of trial and heartache. She, admittedly, wants to crawl in a hole; but keeps going for the sake of her daughter and for fear of not coming back out.

I have been down into the Hole of Depression many times. Sometimes the light at the top looks like a speck of dust, and sometimes it appears closer, like the sun on a summer's day. And some days -- to borrow from a familiar phrase -- the light feels like it could be an on-coming train! As a Christian, I am told to "pray" about it. Christians are not supposed to feel "bad," they are supposed to be "shiny, happy people." No Lie could be further from the Truth. Christians are not inherently Good People. We are saved by grace, loved with mercy, and forgiven unconditionally.

The verse above was posted on the wall in one of the classrooms my church uses for Sunday school and small-group meetings. I took this version from The Message for two reasons: one, I love that two of the words are partnered with exclamation points ("Strength! Courage!"). He is not only commanding us to have strength and courage but to be strength (!) and courage (!). The second reason I chose this text was for the last line: "GOD, your God, is with you ever step you take." The GOD of all gods, my GOD, is with me every step. When I fall. When I turn the wrong direction. When I get sidetracked with my way instead of His way. When I fail. When I feel as if the world is against me. When I am frustrated and take it out on my family When the sun is shining and all is right with the world -- He is with me.

I pray you take comfort today knowing that no matter how deep or wide the hole is which you want to crawl into, His love is deeper, wider, and more infinite. He is in there with you, holding your hand, wiping your tears, loving you. And while you are occupied with finding a way out, he is molding you into who you are purposed to be.