Coward

I am such a coward. I feel like a failure. Yet I have amazing friends who insist on pulling me through this muck and mire. Some days I wish they would grant me my wish and let me wallow, but most do the opposite. Last week, as I was in a particularly wallow-y mood, I received a message from a friend who was checking in on me "just because." First of all, we don't have that kind of relationship. We are not closer than a sister. We know each other, mutually, through church. I adore her and wish our lives granted us reprieve to spend more time together, but instead we nurture our relationship in the hallways of the Sunday school wing and that icon-we-don't-know-what-we-ever-did-without: FACEBOOK. These little moments push me through.

We (meaning, mi familia) are going through a particularly tough time right now. Each of us has hold of a certain dream, but instead of living it we have watched from the sidelines as others around us realize the dream first. Another couple just opened a restaurant similar to one we have been working feverishly for almost 4 months to open. Someone else is writing a book and probably has a better chance at getting published than I do -- although my 2 year old daughter has that same chance at the rate I'm going!

All that to say, the fight hasn't left me yet.

"But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat."

Nehemiah, as he was rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem, came against strong opposition from his neighbors. Instead of giving up, Nehemiah armed the builders with swords, spears, shields, bows and armor (4:16). They would build the wall with one hand while holding a sword in the other.

I am writing tonight because my husband has given me time to be alone with my thoughts and words while he spends time with our kids. Each is a gift unto itself. I appreciate his willingness to take on these two critters at the end of the day. I appreciate the chance to try to put my thoughts to words, my words to paper.

I have a cup of coffee in me now and a book to finish. I know how it needs to end, but do I have the courage to do it? And then, when it's done, what next? Do I have the courage to take the next step?

Adequate

But Moses said to God,
"Who am I, that I should go to Pharoah
and bring the Israelites our of Egypt?
Exodus 3:11 (NIV)

This is going to be short and sweet as my laundry, dishes, and dirt all seem to be piling up today.

As I read about Moses and his journey to bring the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt, I couldn't help but feel relieved that this holy man felt so inadequate. Even the author of Hebrews makes note of his faith and perseverance. He went where God told him and did what God told him. Although, he did question God, ("Who am I, that I should go...?"), second guess God, (he tried to get water out of a rock from his own power, not God's) and even complained about the people he was chosen to lead.

How do you second guess yourself?
What do you do on your own power, and not on God's?
Do you complain, even though where you are is right where you know you want and should be?

Faith, part II

I have been a follower of Jesus Christ my whole life -- well, almost. I remember where I was and what I was doing when I asked Jesus "into my heart" (Sunday school-talk for accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior in my life). My mom thinks I was 2 or 3, I say more like 5 or 6. Either way, the memory of standing in front of the hall mirror, hands over my heart and saying, "Jesus, I accept you into my heart" is one of my earliest memories. I was raised in a Christian home and married a Christian man. I go to church on a regular-basis and try to dive into the Word daily.

Does this make my life perfect and serene? Ha! Far from it. I know God, the one true God, has given me eternal life through his son, Jesus Christ. Yet, I still struggle with faith, or trusting that God -- the giver of life, master and creator of everything -- knows what he's doing when it comes to my life. This week, I have had to purposefully say, "God, you know what you are doing. I trust in you."

This morning I was reading in Deuteronomy 31. I realized a theme was present and had to do a quick search for related passages. (I use www.biblegateway.com) When I see a theme present, especially in a given passage, I get a little giddy. Our pastor always points out that God does this when it is really important and he really wants to drive the point home. Well, this week I have seen a similar current flowing through my reading: God will take care of me, no matter what.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV, emphasis mine)

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5

God's promise to us: he will never leave us. Never. God is forever, so never is pretty much...well, the opposite end of forever. If you can wrap your mind around, accept the fact, that God is, was, and always will be then it should be easy to move to he will never leave you. I have had some minor trials this week, but nothing that a little mommy-time out couldn't handle (there is a good reason for locks on the bathroom door).

Pick up your Bible and see what you can find in it. Do you see the story of love woven into the tapestry? Do you see God's promise, eternal life, ebbing through pages? I pray you are able to see God's presence in your life today and every day.

Faith

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Romans 7:15

Several months ago my husband approached me about taking part in a weight-loss challenge. The winner of the challenge would win a portion of a pot of money. Good stuff, and appropriate since I still had some post-baby weight to lose. We would enter the challenge together, instant advocates and adversaries. Even though I didn't believe I would win the challenge, I still gave it my all. I ate right, made it a point to get to the gym at least three times a week, and made small lifestyle changes where needed. I cut out the bad carbohydrates and started eating more vegetables and protein. Through this, I was able to lose over twenty pounds.
Two months after ending the challenge, I have yet to make it back into the gym. My eating is erratic at best. My only exercise is walking the kids two blocks to our neighborhood park, where I watch them run and play. I know I feel better when I exercise and eat right, so why can't I just do it?

Yesterday I sat down to write a post, but didn't feel "inspired." Sure, I had plenty of thoughts running like a bullet train through my head: none of them stopping long enough to capture, but buzzing through at suicidal rates, dying before I could grab a hold of one and put it down on paper (or screen, as it were). I kept trying to leave myself open to inspiration, but walked away empty and confused.

This morning I started off on the similar track, frustrated with my alleged writer's block. I kept thinking, "I do not do what I want to do." I am not writing, therefore I am not doing what I want to be doing. As I chewed on this all morning, I realized I was afraid. I was afraid to take that leap of faith, to walk the path-unseen. Self-doubt and critical thinking filled my head: what if I write something that offends someone? What if I say something wrong? What if I come across fake or flowery (not that there's anything wrong with flowery!). I am not, by nature, a flowery person. Can I be something that I am not?

The second epiphany came as I was telling a friend of my woes. I realized that God is SO much bigger than my doubts and fears. Again, I say this without floral and fauna. So often I find myself stressing over the details, when all he asks me to do is obey. If I am afraid, then I do not really trust him. For too long I have tried to do things my way and failed. This time, I am going to be still and listen.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7

Heart Talk

I attended a writing conference in the Portland area on Saturday, hoping to glean as much as I could from those who went before me into the world of writing. Robin Jones Gunn and Cindy Hannan were the keynote speakers. Several critique groups and workshops for writers of all mediums were also offered: fiction, non-fiction, devotionals, memoirs, magazine writers, blog writers, etc. Some people had published, most had not.
I tell you, I was as nervous as a high school freshman entering her first day of school. I knew what to do -- by the time you get to high school, the school part is old hat! -- but unsure how to do it. I went by myself (very un-comfort-zone-ish of me!), I went unprepared (no business cards, no proposals, no idea what I was doing), but I went. Here is what I gleaned from my day:

From Robin Gunn
*STAY THE COURSE! No matter what God has put in front of you, don't try to go around the obstacle, instead stick to it and he will see you through to the end.
*TAKE A RISK! Give yourself back to God, make your work a living sacrifice to God. You are responsible for doing your (creative) best. God is in the details.
*SHOW UP! God is the Alpha and the Omega. He was, is and is to come. He is FOREVER. God does not show up. (Good point, Robin!) We show up to do his work. Do something that doesn't make sense. Stop comparing yourself to others. God has a plan for you.
From Cindy Hannan
Cindy co-authored Sisterchicks, Take Flight! with Robin Gunn.
*(from her personal prayer journal) "I did not call you to succeed, I called you to obey." Not everything we do is going to be for success. We may not even be recognized for what we do. God calls us to do it anyway.
*Say, "Yes, Lord! Yes, Lord! Yes! Yes, Lord!"
From Patricia Rushford
Patricia taught a workshop at the conference. She is a nurse, counselor, author and speaker.
*LET GOD LEAD.
*GOD CAN USE OUR EXPERIENCES TO HELP OTHERS.
*PURSUE THE CALL
*ONLY GOD IS THE PERFECT PARENT
The last one had nothing to do with writing, or purpose, or anything conference related. I wrote it down to remind myself that I am going to screw up, I am going to fail. God loves me anyway and he will not.

I went into the weekend with full expectations. I knew I would have a certain amount of hob-nobbing to do. I knew I would be asked about my work. I knew I would flounder and flail like fish, fresh out of the life-sustaining water it lives in.
I walked away from the conference over-whelmed with all that I still have to do. I started questioning myself, "Is this really what you were made for? Is this really what you want to do?" I started to answer "NO!" but then stopped and realized that I was saying no because I was too afraid to say "YES!" I don't like saying yes to something when I have no idea what I am doing.

Last week, as I was whining to a friend of mine about how grossly unprepared I was for this venture, she reminded me of Indiana Jones. In the third installment, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones is walking out of a tunnel and straight off a cliff! Oh, what is our hero to do? He can't jump, the chasm is too wide. He can't use his trusty bullwhip, there is nothing for it to attach to. What to do? WHAT TO DO?

Faith.

That's all. Just a little leap of faith. Indiana Jones holds his father's diary (yes, I've seen the movie a few times) over his chest, closes his eyes, holds one foot out and...

...finds himself standing on solid ground! (WHOA!) There was a path there all along, he just didn't see it. Although, throw some sand on it, and -- look! There it is!

What is your chasm? What will you do today to take that leap of faith?