Monday, January 11, 2010

Coward

I am such a coward. I feel like a failure. Yet I have amazing friends who insist on pulling me through this muck and mire. Some days I wish they would grant me my wish and let me wallow, but most do the opposite. Last week, as I was in a particularly wallow-y mood, I received a message from a friend who was checking in on me "just because." First of all, we don't have that kind of relationship. We are not closer than a sister. We know each other, mutually, through church. I adore her and wish our lives granted us reprieve to spend more time together, but instead we nurture our relationship in the hallways of the Sunday school wing and that icon-we-don't-know-what-we-ever-did-without: FACEBOOK. These little moments push me through.

We (meaning, mi familia) are going through a particularly tough time right now. Each of us has hold of a certain dream, but instead of living it we have watched from the sidelines as others around us realize the dream first. Another couple just opened a restaurant similar to one we have been working feverishly for almost 4 months to open. Someone else is writing a book and probably has a better chance at getting published than I do -- although my 2 year old daughter has that same chance at the rate I'm going!

All that to say, the fight hasn't left me yet.

"But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat."

Nehemiah, as he was rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem, came against strong opposition from his neighbors. Instead of giving up, Nehemiah armed the builders with swords, spears, shields, bows and armor (4:16). They would build the wall with one hand while holding a sword in the other.

I am writing tonight because my husband has given me time to be alone with my thoughts and words while he spends time with our kids. Each is a gift unto itself. I appreciate his willingness to take on these two critters at the end of the day. I appreciate the chance to try to put my thoughts to words, my words to paper.

I have a cup of coffee in me now and a book to finish. I know how it needs to end, but do I have the courage to do it? And then, when it's done, what next? Do I have the courage to take the next step?

2 comments:

Janis said...

Amber, your posting really hit home for me. I have said those things and felt those things so many times myself. Coward? Never! In an odd way, your words were such an inspiration to me. Keep writing, keep working. That is the success, my dear.

Mrs. J. and Miss J. said...

Greetings Beloved of the Lord, what we some times perceive as cowardly is simply the choice to put other things before some goals. When we place others before ourselves often the dreams we have are set on the back burner. In pursuit of being a wife, homemaker and mother we often have to put aside some of our dreams, especially when they will pull us away from the calling of homemaker. Many women will tell you that this is sacrificing intelligence it is not. When we make the choice to answer the calling of homemaker, we willfully put aside our ambitions for the good of the family. We can work on those dreams as time allows. This only puts off the dream not end it. When I was younger I did not understand this and often place the family on the alter of the dream. God got hold of me and showed me the excellence of servitude as Christ served the church so we serve our families. It is the highest calling and has many blessings when we are willing to answer the call. It is not a sign of being a coward, but that some things are more important in finishing before we start a dream that would require a lot of our time, energy, resources and family life. Dreams are wonderful but they are not always practical and faith is about commitment to the choices that serve others best. Christ left His heavenly place in order to serve as Savior. It is our example of free will choice to choose to serve. There is nothing wrong with dreams if they can be done in concert with family life, not sacrificing it.
Mrs. J.